As I wrote, back on June 22, 2015, just days after I stopped:
Wednesday. Something changed. I realized I couldn't save that bottle. It was fancy, after all. I would drink it, then would be done. One big glass in these fantastic large, expensive wine glasses my mother in law bought me for Christmas. That's it. I even waited for my husband to get home, it was at least 6:30pm. I put the bottle of wine, the rabbit opener and the big glass on the counter so he could see it was unopened.Yay, I don't have a problem honey.
Drank one glass. And by one glass, I mean a giant glass half filled, so about 8 ounces. First sip was lovely, but not as fantastic as I'd thought it would be. From then on, I basically ignored the taste, smell, what-have-you and drank that wine like it was my job. Lay on the bed, tuning out everyone, watching my show, drinking that wine. Finished the glass and got another. Watched more tv. Think I may have topped off one last time, can't be sure. But a few things I do remember:
I felt tired.
I felt like I needed air and hoped I just slept through the night and didn't spiral into getting sick.
I felt sad that I drank, practically without realizing what I was doing, and how much I drank. Even if I couldn't pinpoint how much that night, I knew it was a lot.
Walking downstairs the next morning and doing what has become the norm lately...checking the bottle. Checking to see what was left and how that amount directly related to how I would feel the rest of the day. Most of the bottle still there? Great! I'm doing fine. I did it. I didn't drink too much. I controlled it. Half a bottle left? Well, not great, but there are two more glasses in there you could space out over the next two days. A third of the bottle left? What the hell happened? Why did I drink so much? What's freaking wrong with me?
Humph.
Lately I've been questioning, wondering if I'd stopped for long enough. That, obviously, I could stop cold turkey if I wanted to, so maybe I could just have a glass of wine every once in a while.
But, reading the above post, it brings it back.
I guess I won't be spiking my eggnog this Christmas.
I've been through the thinking, "Have I stopped for long enough?" a few times. But when I've thought I had, and tried drinking again, I always ended up back to drinking too much. Not right away, but not too long later. And you're right in your description of that drinking--in the end it's just dreary, not fun at all! By now I think I know I just need to check in with myself or someone who knows better to see what would happen. You checking in with your 6-months-ago self is a great idea! Hope you have a merry sober Christmas! xo
ReplyDeleteThank you for your comment, Thirsty. My sister quit drinking just after I did, so I also have her, but sometimes you just need to get a reality check from your own memories!
ReplyDeleteIt's funny, I'm on the same thought pattern as you just about a month later. Thanks for being my beacon. Love you.
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