I'm in the hole again. I discovered the hole last October, when I fell downdowndown. Tears, hopelessness, despair. Anger, frustration, exhaustion. The problem is, I don't have wine this October to make me feel better, or at least make me feel numb.
I am like Sisyphus, except it's not one big boulder but a million tiny pebbles I must keep swatting up that hill just to watch my children swat them back down again.
I run around like a crazed juggler, trying to keep all the scarves in the air, but my children swat them back down again.
It's like playing tennis against three other players, for each ball I get to and swat back over the net, three more come flying back at me.
It is exhausting. I am losing. They are winning.
Yesterday was bad. I am finding myself having ugly
thoughts about these people I love. I am having a hard time and ALLIWANTTODO
is drink. I cannot believe I can't have a glass of wine. At this point, I
am dreaming (literally) about drinking. Each evening, when shit gets
crazy around here I drink my mocktail (seltzer/lime/Pom) and
simultaneously enjoy it and feel completely unfulfilled and annoyed.
Annoyed that I can't have the red wine and I clearly NEED the red wine. I
am unhappy, I am angry and frustrated and the wine WILL make me feel
better. I know this. Then, I have to tell myself that the wine will make
me feel freaking awesome for about 3 sips then it changes. Changes into
a mindless attempt to fill whatever gaping, gnawing black hole is eating away at my chest.
I am so very tired.