Saturday, October 31, 2015

Well THIS sucks.

I'm in the hole again. I discovered the hole last October, when I fell downdowndown. Tears, hopelessness, despair. Anger, frustration, exhaustion. The problem is, I don't have wine this October to make me feel better, or at least make me feel numb.

I am like Sisyphus, except it's not one big boulder but a million tiny pebbles I must keep swatting up that hill just to watch my children swat them back down again.

I run around like a crazed juggler, trying to keep all the scarves in the air, but my children swat them back down again.

It's like playing tennis against three other players, for each ball I get to and swat back over the net, three more come flying back at me.

It is exhausting. I am losing. They are winning.

Yesterday was bad. I am finding myself having ugly thoughts about these people I love. I am having a hard time and ALLIWANTTODO is drink. I cannot believe I can't have a glass of wine. At this point, I am dreaming (literally) about drinking. Each evening, when shit gets crazy around here I drink my mocktail (seltzer/lime/Pom) and simultaneously enjoy it and feel completely unfulfilled and annoyed. Annoyed that I can't have the red wine and I clearly NEED the red wine. I am unhappy, I am angry and frustrated and the wine WILL make me feel better. I know this. Then, I have to tell myself that the wine will make me feel freaking awesome for about 3 sips then it changes. Changes into a mindless attempt to fill whatever gaping, gnawing black hole is eating away at my chest.

I am so very tired.


  1. I'm in the hole too.
    I can only say bringing the booze down with us don't help. It is not a ladder or a rope.
    Try to take care of you.

  2. I talked to my sister (who has also quit alcohol) and she went through a similar thing recently. I think it has to do with the change of seasons. I feel better today. I will not give in and have any alcohol.

    1. Nah, you'll soldier through it because that's what we do. I'm keeping my hands busy doing homemade, crafty, DIY stuff just to keep my mind off the constant longing for a nice sip of Cab. One foot in front of the other and all that b.s. I love Anne's message to you, "try to take care of you." Love you.