Stopping. Starting. Stopping.

I stopped drinking on Thursday, June 18, 2015.

I started drinking on Thursday, November 28, 2019. 4 years, 23 weeks, 2 days after I'd quit. It was Thanksgiving.

I stopped drinking on Tuesday, March 21, 2023.

I started drinking in June of 2023. I didn't record that date. Maybe when I'd met Deb for Indigo Girls or went to my mom's for the Flea Market.

I stopped drinking on Tuesday, December 26, 2023. I'd thought it out, had one last perfect Side Car at the Wellington with dinner after we'd spent the afternoon on the Common taking a family photo. 

I started drinking on Saturday, January 27, 2024. Trip to Costa Rica with Susan and Laura. There wasn't peer pressure, I just thought fuck it. I drank all week. Not to excess, but I wanted to.

I stopped on Sunday, March 17, 2024.

I started on Thursday, March 28, 2024. The day after A's birthday.

I stopped on Friday, March 29, 2024.

I started on Thursday, April 18, 2024.

I stopped on Tuesday, June 4, 2024.

I started on Wednesday, June 15, 2024.

I stopped on Friday, June 21, 2024. At my mom's for the Flea Market.

When I started again that Thanksgiving afternoon in 2019, I was in therapy. The therapist always made me feel like she didn't believe I had a problem with alcohol, probably based on my other issues. I am prone to very black and white thinking. All or nothing. She couldn't understand why I couldn't ever have another drink of alcohol. I did explain how I'd try to moderate the drinking. I'd start out with one glass at dinner, for maybe a day or so. Then the cycle began again, needing more, obsessing over how much was left in the bottle for me. Then I'd be drinking by 4, tuning out the family, getting annoyed I couldn't be left in peace to drink. Hiding what I'd drank by running out to buy more bottles, then drinking some of the new bottle, so it looked like the previously opened bottle. All typical behaviors. But that fall Adena was sick with cancer. She was going through treatments and we talked so much and so deeply about all things death and life. Our lives can end at any time on any day. What was I restricting myself for? Drink the wine. Enjoy it. So I did. In the middle of preparing a giant Thanksgiving dinner with a house full of people, I walked over to my neighbors house and asked her for a bottle of wine, as she only drinks the good stuff. She opened a bottle, we drank a glass, then I walked back to my house with a bottle she gave me. My mom couldn't believe it. I'm thinking, since she drinks wine, she was happy for me. I don't think anyone in my family really understood why I'd quit in the first place.

When I stopped this last time, that Friday in June 2024, I'd been drinking wine at my mom's. I had A with me. That night, in her excitement and anxiety about the Flea Market, she'd started vomiting in the wee hours and we were up all night. I wasn't drunk, but I certainly wasn't physically or mentally fit for helping her. I was irritated and exhausted. I cannot remember what went through my head or how I decided that was it, but it was. 

I did not have a perfect 'good bye' drink, like I'd done back in December 2023. I was drinking wine I didn't even particularly like, but it was there and there was plenty of it, so I drank. 

This past summer I started writing 'morning pages', three stream of consciousness hand written pages. It's actually very helpful and I'd wake up excited to begin, but lately I have let that fall away. In one of my morning pages I'd written about how my brain craves more more more. And it's similar to cigarettes. I smoked them back in college when I was a waitress. I quit cold turkey one day back in late 1995/early 1996 because I began dating someone who didn't like them (who I ended up marrying and am still married to). But I still occasionally crave one. I've had dreams where I've smoked a cigarette. 

Another of my morning pages revealed the Relief I feel not drinking. Capital R. If anything happens after I'd been drinking — I feel a certain way, say or do something stupid or awkward, or can't remember something — I'd be sure to mentally abuse and shame myself. When those things happen now, when I'm not drinking, I feel such tremendous Relief. I'm not worrying about what I said or how I behaved in front of my kids. I can drive my car at night. I brought H's friend home at 8:45pm. If I'd still been drinking, I'd have either not had the friend over or brought them home by 6pm at the latest. 

I'm sleeping more and better than when I was drinking. I do not wake up at 3am like I'd used to. To pee, to drink water, to mentally berate myself, whatever. 

I have really good mocktails every night. Schwepp's tonic (only that brand, the others are awful) with True Citrus powdered lime or lemon. Ghia lime and salt. De Soi Rose. Not cheap but I'm weighing more than the financial cost here.

Honestly life is super difficult right now but drinking would not help. It would make my nerves more raw, my temper shorter and the guilt and shame would crush me. Walking with Susan in the mornings, going to exercise class three days a week, they make me feel good and proud of myself. I need to learn to manage my fragile mental and emotional state in other ways. I mean, right now it's sugar. And crying. But not drinking.