Well THIS sucks.

I'm in the hole again. I discovered the hole last October, when I fell downdowndown. Tears, hopelessness, despair. Anger, frustration, exhaustion. The problem is, I don't have wine this October to make me feel better, or at least make me feel numb.

I am like Sisyphus, except it's not one big boulder but a million tiny pebbles I must keep swatting up that hill just to watch my children swat them back down again.

I run around like a crazed juggler, trying to keep all the scarves in the air, but my children swat them back down again.

It's like playing tennis against three other players, for each ball I get to and swat back over the net, three more come flying back at me.

It is exhausting. I am losing. They are winning.

Yesterday was bad. I am finding myself having ugly thoughts about these people I love. I am having a hard time and ALLIWANTTODO is drink. I cannot believe I can't have a glass of wine. At this point, I am dreaming (literally) about drinking. Each evening, when shit gets crazy around here I drink my mocktail (seltzer/lime/Pom) and simultaneously enjoy it and feel completely unfulfilled and annoyed. Annoyed that I can't have the red wine and I clearly NEED the red wine. I am unhappy, I am angry and frustrated and the wine WILL make me feel better. I know this. Then, I have to tell myself that the wine will make me feel freaking awesome for about 3 sips then it changes. Changes into a mindless attempt to fill whatever gaping, gnawing black hole is eating away at my chest.

I am so very tired.

Cool weather cravings.

The weather has cooled recently and I find myself struggling with cravings. My "trick" of filling my wine glass with seltzer, Pom and fresh lime is losing its effect when the house is cold or it's raining outside. I'm trying hot teas but I'm not able to put them in my wine glass so the satisfaction isn't there. I need that big, stemmed glass it seems.

I'm finding myself thinking about warm red wine a lot these days. It seems to be everywhere, people talking about it, actors on tv drinking it, friends posting on Facebook, etc. I clearly remember that taste and, still, can tell myself that it was only that first pour, that first taste, that was magical. That, after that, it just became like any other liquid, I didn't really think about it, just kept pouring it into the glass and, then, down my throat.

But, I really wish I could find a suitable substitute. I've tried many things but nothing matches that warm, viscous, sharp feel like a nice red.

Side effects.

I was pretty proud about quitting alcohol cold turkey. It's kind of a big deal.

But, now I just realize that I substituted one addiction for another. Sugar is a problem, a big one. I have a impulse control issue. It was wine, now it's sugar. I crave it, I can't control the consumption, it's awful.

I have been a pretty healthy adult: running, wise eating choices (except the over-abundance of alcohol, of course)... but the results from my physical were shocking. My cholesterol, which I have never had a problem with, skyrocketed in three months. Three months! And I know it's those peanut M&Ms/Iggy's bread and butter/chocolate chips-which-are-supposed-to-be-used-for-baking.

My face is a mess. Sugar messes up your skin, people. Breakouts, puffiness. It's a real freaking mess.

I can't help myself. I know I should not grab a handful of chocolate chips. I KNOW this. And now, I have to figure out how to quit or drastically reduce THAT as well as live without alcohol. Yes, I realize they are both sugar. And it's everywhere.

What do other people do?